Whew!

This past week has been a whirlwind.. Let me just start by saying I am PRAISING God that he kept me strong through all of this, sent me an "angel" help things out on the home front, and most importantly; Kept my baby strong, gave him an already apparent ability to be a fighter, and gave him an amazingly adorable smile to keep us all going.

It is a rule of deployment; Anything that can go wrong, will. Up until this point, nothing major. Huge vet bill from Miss Smarty Pants eating some Dcon.. Heater freaking out and not turning on on a very cold evening (joys of home ownership!).. Huge dentist bill for me next month..

It started last Monday night. I was spending the week with my Parent's. My children got so spoiled from Santa that it was going to take two trips in my SUV just to get everything home. The plan was to drive the hour and 40 minutes to my house, unload the car into A's bedroom upstairs, eat a quick dinner and head back before bedtime.
I took A out of his car seat right when we got home to change his diaper and took his pants off. Looked away for maybe 30 seconds and when I looked back down, A was not breathing.
It is a little blurry, but I know that I picked him up and hollered at my Mom that he wasn't breathing. Handed him off real quick while I ran to my room to get the suction; first thought was that he was choking on spit up. After about 40 of the longest seconds of my life, he caught his breath and lots of fluid/snot/foam came out of his mouth and nose. At this point he was sitting up and still struggling to catch his breath. He would take one breath and then couldn't again. When he started getting stiff and pale, his eyes started rolling back into his head and I told my Mom to call 911. The operator was going to instruct her through chest compressions, but at this point he had caught his breath  and was letting out a big cry. Big Brother was doing his part in watching out the window for the firetruck.When EMS came in, they recommended taking him in, just in case. So off in the ambulance A and I go, while C and my Mom stay behind. 

I was fully unprepared after waiting 5 hours to see a doctor for them to admit him. We finally got a room a little after midnight. We didn't get much sleep in between a nurse coming in every hour, monitors beeping every few minutes, and a baby who had already slept his long stretch while Mommy sat with drooping eyes waiting to hear..well, anything.
We ended up staying 3 nights. MRIs, chest xrays, swallow studies, EEGs. I have never hated needles so much in my life while witnessing heels get poked countless times, veins getting blown out, blood being drawn. All I know is I have one tough little cookie.

We left the hospital in the middle of a snowstorm with enough oxygen bottles to last a few days, sleep apnea monitors and a pulstat monitor.
He hasn't been officially diagnosed with anything, but I think they are leaning towards gastoesophageal reflux and sleep apnea. He has fluid in his lungs from either not swallowing right or reflux backing up into his lungs. He aspirated on the swallow test but that's a given considering he isn't too skilled on the bottle. We have a new home oxygen unit that he is to be hooked up to for every nap and nighttime, along with the monitors whose beeping I am learning to resent. Medicine that will lower acid in his stomach. Watching for a cough or fever since he is a very high risk for pneumonia. Nothing makes this Mommy's heart ache more than watching your three month old sleep with oxygen in his nose. PJs are now picked with buttons so that the cord from the monitor on his foot can stick out. I now nurse practically laying down so that letdown doesn't drown him. He is never to be laid on his back- quite the task especially during diaper changes.

All the "what ifs" fill my thoughts .. What if he had stopped breathing while we were sleeping? What if my Mom wasn't here to watch C and I had to venture to the ER by myself with both kids? What if he wouldn't have caught his breath?
I have a new profound love and mercy in my heart for Mommy's whose babies have a terminal illness. Yes, I was given quite the scare and life is a tad more difficult now than it was before, but I still have a smiling little boy with a bright future. I will never ever take my kids for granted again. Pray that his throat and nose heals from all the acid. Pray that pneumonia never comes our way. God give me the strength to nurse him back to healthy all the while giving C the attention he needs.
R&R can't come soon enough....

Camouflage And Christmas Lights

This year as you celebrate Christmas, remember...
Those not home with family..
The ones that stand so bravely to serve our country..
And the ones that watch and pray..

Almost there

The hustle and bustle of the year (finally) began this week. Took me a while to finally get in the mood for Christmas, I'm still not completely convinced that I am even there, but I am determined to make it special for my two sweet boys.
It's easy to get into a pity party, waaah my husband is gone, I don't want to celebrate... Although it stinks big time, there are many more Holidays to spend together.. I know it will make next year, and the year after that even more special. Truth is, Christmas isn't for MY enjoyment. I read this this morning and had to share...
"Jesus still came. Jesus still comes. In the midst of our brightest shining moments or in the midst of the darkest pain, Jesus comes. Do the carols that once brought joy to your heart bring tears to your eyes this season? Wherever Christmas finds you, Jesus still comes. And because He came, your pain is not in vain. Nor is it the end of your story."

Presents are wrapped. Car is being packed for our week up at my Parent's. Cayden is thrilled as all can about opening presents.

And Christmas will be hard no more.

Winter Snow Song - Audrey Assad with Chris Tomlin

Too beautiful of a song not to share...

For the Mommys~

It was the night before Christmas, when all through the abode
Only one creature was stirring, and she was cleaning the commode.
The children were finally sleeping, all snug in their beds,
While visions of Nintendo and Barbie, flipped through t...heir heads.
The dad was snoring in front of the TV,
With a half-constructed bicycle on his knee.

So only the mom heard the reindeer hooves clatter,
Which made her sigh, "Now what's the matter?"
With toilet bowl brush still clutched in her hand,
She descended the stairs, and saw the old man.
He was covered with ashes and soot, which fell with a shrug.
"Oh great!!" muttered the mom, "Now I have to clean the rug."

"Ho-Ho-Ho!!" cried Santa, "I'm glad you're awake.
Your gift was especially difficult to make."
"Thanks, Santa, but all I want is some time alone."
"Exactly!!" he chuckled, "I've made you a clone."
"A clone?" she asked, "What good is that?
Run along, Santa. I've no time for chit-chat."

It was the mother's twin.
Same hair, same eyes, same double chin.
She'll cook, she'll dust, she'll mop every mess.
You'll relax, take it easy, watch the Young and the Restless."
"Fantastic!!" the mom cheered. "My dream come true!
I'll shop. I'll read. I'll sleep a whole night through!"

From the room above, the youngest began to fret.
"Mommy?!? I'm scared, and I'm wet."
The clone replied, "I'm coming, sweetheart."
"Hey," the mom smiled, "She knows her part."
The clone changed the small one, and hummed a tune,
As she bundled the child, in a blanket cocoon.

"You're the best mommy ever. I really love you."
The clone smiled and sighed, "I love you, too."
The mom frowned and said, "Sorry, Santa, no deal.
That's my child's love that she's trying to steal."
Smiling wisely Santa said, "To me it is clear,
Only one loving mother is needed here."

The mom kissed her child, and tucked her into bed.
"Thank you, Santa, for clearing my head.
I sometimes forget it won't be very long,
When they'll be too old, for my cradle-song."
The clock on the mantle began to chime.
Santa whispered to the clone, "It works every time."

My sunshine

I took Cayden to the Ymca to swim yesterday and let me just say, if I could bottle those giggles up to listen to whenever I please, I am positive I would have a long and happy life.
He is three now, and I have decided that three is more work than two. He has now decided that he likes the word NO (took three years, I guess I shouldn't complain too much), must snap his own car seat every single time, must pour his own cereal in the morning regardless if he eats it or not, doesn't enjoy washing his hands after he uses the bathroom, and hates to help me pick up toys. Truth is, his little personality pops out a little more every single day and I would not trade this stage for anything. He is a character! He thinks "toots" are hysterical. He loves building with Legos and I adore listening to him talk to them. He is obsessed with Toy Story and his Papa.

He breaks my heart every single day- I am not completely sure he understands why Daddy has been gone for so long. We talk about it a lot and although we are over the initial adjustment of that, he still asks if Daddy is on his way home yet. He thinks when he hears a car pull up that it's Daddy. He loves to talk to Daddy on the computer, and enjoys making lots and lots of plans for when "Daddy comes home".
I do know that even on the toughest of days, this little guy can light up my world.
Oh, Darlin' don't you ever grow up, ever grow up, just stay this little...

The one where I introduce.

Let me introduce you to the new man in my life...
Asher!

Asher made his appearance two weeks early as a healthy 7lb 13.5oz  big boy!
I thought I was suffering from a stomachache for the day, thinking nothing of it. As I sat at a Scentsy party, it seemed that my stomachache was getting worse. I called my Mom as I left, eager to head to the nearest Arby's drive-thru. My smart Mother said, "Maybe you should time this stomachache?".. I quickly hung up, waiting for the next stomachache to hit. Almost 40 seconds long, 5 minutes since the last one. I called Mom back, who was in the middle of a date with my Dad.. "Maybe you should just be on call tonight?"
Cayden and I headed home to eat our roast beef sandwiches. Drink some water. Relax!
Then, called my Mom back.. Ugh, I think this may be it? But I'm going to feel really stupid if you come down and it's nothing! My mom lives about an hour and 40 minutes away. My SIL saved the day and also said she would head down in case we needed someone to hang out with Cayden, you know.. Just in case?
They both showed up after Cayden was bathed and sound asleep in bed.. Time was now close to 9:30pm Friday night. I jumped in the shower real quick.. Made sure everything was packed.. Oh yeah, had to pay a few bills online before they were late (it was the 1st of the month afterall!).
This indeed was not a stomachache, but labor. In my defense, I suffer from back labor, so it was more in my behind (ah hem) than uterus (I'll spare you).

At this point, my cramps are now close to 2.5 minutes apart. Perhaps we should head to the hospital now?
They hook me up and determine I am 4cm, 100% effaced. Woo hoo, I was admitted!
Once I am clothed in the adorning way-too-thin-hospital gown, in comes anesthesiologist (halleluia!). At this point, I still feel ok.. So tell her to come back in an hour or so. She gives me a not so certain look and it's then I realize it's now or never. My "strong" Mother-slash-birth-coach holds onto me tightly, until we deem that she is not so into needles and "weird hospital smells". Good distraction from the 4inch needle now residing in my spine.
As it did with Cayden's birth, the medicine is pumped in, and my heartrate drops. My nurse yells out in the hall that she needs help, in comes 2 doctors and 3 more nurses. It is still a little blurry to me, but I know even with no feeling to my legs, I was using all my might to flip from side to side. Asher was in distress for what felt like 10 minutes, but I am not really sure how long it was. All I know is not hearing that beeping noise on the machines was terrifying. I just kept cheering him on. Come on, Asher... Come on buddy.
Praise God, they found a spot he likes and now his heartrate is back to normal. You could bet that I was not about to move from that spot he liked. No way.
The epidural was now already wearing off, and my dear anesthesiologist was off with someone else in an emergency c-section. At this point I needed to roll on my other side, while gripping my bed in agony. In comes the doctor on call for the night, Major Morgan. She checks me, and as she does I have the worst contraction yet, to which she calls out; "We're having a baby!".
Some where during this contraction, my Mom sets the camcorder in the corner on record, anesthelogist pumps some more medicine in my catheter, the bed cuts in half, bright lights are shone, and I am indeed having a baby...
Three pushes, that was it! I pushed for three hours with Cayden.. This is cake! 2:23am. October 2nd.
They hand me my new love... He is quite purple and not crying, I kiss him really fast before he is wisked off to the NICU.
Finally around 4am, they bring him in. They say he had a lot of fluid in his lungs and stomach, but made a fast recovery. No one prepares you for that feeling you feel when you first meet your child-- the one you have cherished and loved on for the last 9 months, meeting them in the flesh.

Asher is now 2.5 months. Daddy will be home next month to meet him.
He is such a sweet baby.. He loves nothing more than snuggling up to your neck. His smile is perfect. He is finally starting to sleep a bit more in the night. I'll save the whole adjustment to two on my own in another post.