It is here... It is a really strange feeling. I think that the day that you kiss your soldier goodbye to go off to war is a pretty unexplainable feeling.
It's like you chose to get on the scary roller coaster at Six Flags, and you get strapped in while shaking in your boots-- heading up that big hill and knowing what is coming is terrifying but it's too late to get off. Then you are sitting at the very top before they let you drop and you want off but you know you can't. And then they drop you, and your lose your stomach and you have no control over the situation.
It's like watching the weather and seeing that a horrible storm is coming your way, looking out your window and seeing those black clouds rolling near. You try and do everything you can to prepare for it- close all your windows, get the candles and matches out incase you lose power. But you can't do anything to stop it, nothing to stop the nerves, no way to truly prepare yourself. And you sit in the storm, scared and alone but just rely on your little ounce of faith that's left for the storm to pass and not leave too much damage.
We said goodbye in a most un-intimate setting- about 100 or so soldiers and their families all crowded in a very hot gym. We had a little spot on the gym floor to sit. Cayden kept himself busy with trains and bubbles. I avoided eye contact with all human specie so that I wouldn't lose it, yet again. We had two hours to hang out before you had to say "see ya" and watch them get on the buses. You can bet that I didn't stay to watch him drive away. No way my heart could handle that. Let me tell you the feeling when you let go of your best friends hand not knowing exactly when you will get to hold it again.
It was dark and quiet and hot when we got home, luckily C went straight to bed after a quick shower which left me all alone with my thoughts. I set the alarm on the house, played on the computer for a minute, took the laundry out of the washer that was pretty much already dry, and got in bed. I don't know why it was so hard to fall asleep. I was exhausted. Maybe it was the huge elephant in the room pointing at the empty side of the bed where my husband should be laying. Maybe it was knowing that my husband was a mere 11 miles away for another 5 hours and I couldn't be with him. Maybe it was too quiet.
I will be angry. I will be sad. I will be confident. I will be proud. I will be tired. I will be terrified. I know all the emotions are just churning in my tummy. I know nothing will be quite right until he is back. I will rely on a whole lot of prayer. And coffee. God, please make me strong.
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